Debbie Schlussel: [Almost] Never A Satisfied Movie Critic

Here's Debbie live-blogging this year's Oscars. Just read it for the unintentional comic brilliance.

There are way too many priceless gems in her angry rants. But I don't know what is more sad, her angry Oscars commentary fuelled by wine coolers, or the comments by her fans, who actually think she martyred herself by watching the broadcast for their entertainment. Like I said, go read it. There will be laughter.

I say that she is 'almost' never satisfied with a movie, because there are recent films she has enjoyed. In the last year, she liked Spiderman 3, she "loved" Enchanted, and she liked Vantage Point. But really, she detests most contemporary films. She wanted Persepolis to win Best Animated Feature (so did I, but not because it is an anti-Shiite film, or so she says). Fine, it is a great animated film. But a wholesome, fun, critically acclaimed, American animated film won instead. Was she happy for the made-in-the-USA, family-friendly Ratatouille? Even though she put it on her year's best list, she was still left a little disappointed Sunday night.

For those who don't know Debbie, she spends her waking hours as a race-baiting lawyer while aspiring to be more irrational, unhinged, and controversial right-wing celebrity pundit than Ann Coulter ever was. She's among the nuttiest of wingnuts. Gavin at Sadly, No! described her best here. Only a wingnut would start a movie review with this line:

It's not exactly a newsflash that Hollywood sides with Islamic terrorists and is against the impotent War on Terror.

I mean, case closed, she's out of her fucking mind, right? (Gavin smartly argues that she is not out of her mind, but rather a true believer in what the Bush administration wants Americans to believe.) Because of her lengthy, angry rants, she's frequently entertaining, if repetitive. Sadly, No! has been ignoring her, so I'm picking-up the baton today.

Debbie doesn't like films in which there is senseless killing (No Country; most horror films), a smart-ass teenager (Juno), foreigners (La Vie En Rose), gays, Spanish speakers, positive Muslim characters (David & Layla), or any truth about our nation's occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan (No End In Sight and Taxi To The Dark Side, respectively). So what current movies does she like? Well, based on her running Oscar commentary.....I have to say almost none. She's not a happy camper. All of these highbrow movies don't feature bible reading or perfect happy endings. They reflect imperfect, unfair worlds, much like our own real world. She argues that movies should be positive, escapist entertainment, since we know there are no 'artists' in Hollywood.

You know, for a girl who wants all Muslims exterminated, I find her disgust of movie violence, regardless of genre, maturity, realism, or importance to the story, to be a bit odd (except in Vantage Point....Die Muslims, Die! You too, Matthew!1!!!). But we have seen this behavior before. For example, we have seen it in those who claim to defend life by advocating the murder of doctors. Also we have seen it in those who claim to support a 'Culture of Life' while supporting capital punishment. Debbie is far from alone. Her passion and anger on the issue of stopping Muslims from out-breeding us and enslaving us seems to be unique, however.

She regards herself as an expert on terrorism and Muslim imperialism. She doesn't know about me, however. I know more about the history of terrorism than she ever will, and I can lecture about the subject while wasting drug dealers and cops in Grand Theft Auto. I'm dangerous, man. But this isn't about me.